There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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