Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
