Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
