I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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