Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize