i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize