When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
