hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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