Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
