a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
