Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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