I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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