I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize