so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well I just put wine in my tea
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
