you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
