if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Did I show you my penis last night?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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