White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just had sex bonerless
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
