if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
