he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
