why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
