It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Found the puke drawer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
