I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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