when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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