I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize