Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
