I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
