i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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