New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
