Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
