Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
