he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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