guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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