Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
