come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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