So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
