i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
