And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
