Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
