You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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