My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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