the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
