I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
