apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
