Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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