Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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