If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
