My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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