last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
