I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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