Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
