I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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