My sheets look like a crime scene.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
