You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
