I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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