Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
