You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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