I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
