I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
