Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
