you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
