good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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